The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has revealed a list of all of the most baffling things that have been found in people’s vaginas this year.
And to think, you reckoned this year couldn’t get any weirder. Plus, it’s a top 10 from 2017 that doesn’t feature Ed Sheeran.
The list was made up of data from emergency room visits in the United States over the past 12 months, and includes (among the less strange things, believe it or not) scented soap, a deodorant lid, a bottle cap, a penis ring with spikes on and silicon balls – which the patient explained were “You know, for when your husband leaves town.”
In at number six was a ball, but number seven is where things get particularly bizarre with a bike reflector. A bike reflector?!
One of the objects also involved a patient who was on their period and “inserted non-birth control sponge in vagina so she could swim”.
Someone else “Was having sexual intercourse with boyfriend when he put phone and money in vagina”.
Also included on what may be the world’s weirdest list are headphones, a hot towel, clay (?!), a candlestick, a lollipop and a toy magic wand.
Another patient was “using massaging urethral vaginal stone balls and the string holding 15 balls together dissolved, can only find 14 balls”.
And it’s not just the women, either. The same list also gathered data relating to objects found in penises, which includes a little screw, a sharp toy, a four-inch-long metal sex toy, a plastic spoon, a piece of a domino, a piece of a plastic shampoo bottle and a coaxial cable.
There was also one patient who “put paperclip through urethra and punctured through shaft of penis”.
Humans are curious creatures, and we expect emergency room doctors are pretty used to receiving people with all kinds of bizarre objects in their vaginas or rectum. But just why do some people feel the urge to do it?
Apparently it’s not always just because it ‘feels good’. According to a 2012 paper titled Insertion of Foreign Bodies (polyembolokoilamania): Underpinnings and Management Strategies, while sexual gratification may be the motivation for some people for ‘foreign object insertion’, it’s just one of many possible reasons.
“Insertion of foreign objects into bodily orifices occurs as a result of a variety of psychosocial and psychiatric states,” the paper states.
It also lists cognitive disorders, depressive disorders, delirium, dementia, borderline personality disorder, drug concealment, indirect result of impaired judgement, intoxication and even self harm, to whatever degree.
Then, of course, there’s also just pure curiosity, which the doctors behind the paper refer to as ‘Exploratory misadventure’. We all remember sticking a bit of Lego or something up our nose when we were little, right?
The paper also says that, because the insertion of foreign objects into bodily orifices can occur as a result of various psychosocial and psychiatric states, it’s important that staff treating the patient don’t respond with fear, shame, anger, derision, scorn or perplexity.
“Reactions should be addressed so that the patient’s problems can be unearthed and managed,” the paper says.
So basically, as funny as you think it is, it’s best not to take the piss – though it’s probably fair enough to expect that you’re going to cringe a little inside when someone says the words ‘vagina’ and ‘bike reflector’.